There are places you live in and places you leave. But those places don’t leave you. The memory of them is so fresh that still hurts, mostly because I went back to
those places and this happened in dark circumstances.
It took me a family crisis and a definitive breakup to come back here, where it all began. “Here” is the Land of Gospel, how spiritualists call it, or the Land of Rio,
meaning the Land of the River, the one that crosses the state of Amazonas, where Mother Earth keeps taking her big, long and deep breaths.
Still, to me this is the Land of the Rainbow, where I got through a lot of experiences and knew a lot of people, both living and non-living, that changed my perspective
towards life and my view of the world altogether.
I spent in this land three long but fast-paced years with my wife and our two, sometimes three kids; we laughed, we prospered, we failed and went bankrupt, we
almost died and we got up again. And in the end, we went away.
Looking back proves to be a painful experience most of the times. Going back has proven to be worse. The actual thing is, we have to live with our choices and face
Normal people envision their goals in life, pin them on a board just to look at them every time they wake up in the morning and start one more fight to take a step
forward in their accomplishment. They work hard for years and, day by day, they get closer to their goal and the dream takes more and more shape. They carry on
and grow each day in the world they have built thanks to the achievement of their endeavors.
But sometimes, some people are misled with their goals, they take someone else’s dreams for their own and thus they fall along the path. Sometimes it happens once,
twice, but then these people focus and their vision gets clear again, finally seeing the real road to their happiness. And they go on.
That’s because sometimes it is necessary to abandon the path and take some steps into the woods before finding our very road. It is necessary to go through different
phases and places before striding the path that will lead us to the end of the rainbow, where all our efforts will pay off.
I’m not talking about a pot of gold, but some other thing we give shape to during the walk. A different thing for each one of us.
I could start this story in many ways, because I took so many steps into various paths I since left behind and unfinished and my walk is the wandering of the fool who
tries to reach the rainbow; a neverending walk.
In the moment I’m writing this, my mood is fast described by the title of that Jim Steinman song, “It’s all coming back to me now”; lots of memories come back all at once, one fading into the other in an infinite metamorphosis of pain and regret, but also acceptance. Yes, acceptance is what defines wisdom, and thus maturity and growth.
And in the end, self-consciousness.
There has been more pain than joy in those three years, because even if I found peace inside of me, my wife and I found our end. The end of us, of a husband and a
wife, of two people in love with each other. That had died and there’s no more irreversible death than the death of love.
But even so, our friendship never went away; mutual respect and confidence always stayed there. Besides, they had strengthened.
I spent the deepest and most meaningful years of my life in the inland of Brazil. There I found many things, the most important being myself. It’s fair to say it was a
close look, since I couldn’t reach out to me, which is the pivotal deed to accomplish in order to be happy in this life. But that look has been a good warning for me, it
kept me afloat when I got lost after the Rainbow.
Brazil has been my Rainbow, my definitive goal and a starting point alike, where I found the sense of existence and the road that would lead me to the end, meaning a
goal and not the conclusion. There’s no conclusion in life, not even in death. But we’ll see that later.
I have pinned many goals to a board, but I guess those pins were all lazily placed; all have fallen on the ground, swept away by a wind of failed changes. Lack
of will, lack of courage and in the end, lack of motivation. That’s what has killed me back then. That’s what I have killed from a long time.
It all started with a look, the look into the green eyes of Persefone, my then-soon-to-be-and-now-former wife. That look took me to a savage land and there I was
In the end, we all see our goals are so much more alike than we ever imagined.
They journey I made, you will make too and I’ll take you there, through fifty-two episodes, excerpts taken from my memoir The End of the Rainbow, a collection of
ten notebooks I jotted down during my three years in the Land Of Gospel. I will post one episode per week, for fifty-two weeks and each one will represent a color
beam, based on the particular episode I experienced. Even if a rainbow doesn’t have so many colors, the sun of Brazil has diclosed to my eyes multiple shades and
reflections I didn’t even know existed.
So please, let me welcome you to a year long walk, take me by the hand as I introduce you to The 52 Beams – A Journey To The End Of The Rainbow, a chronicle
that unveils sides of Brazil that really few people are aware of. An enchanted world living its own reality, a reality so simple that leaves evoluted Firstworlders as we
are, so shocked and puzzled.
Each episode will have an introduction of the topic, taking place in the present time. Then follows the excerpt from the “Rainbow”, that is: the Beam of the week,
marked by its sequence number (Week One = Beam One, Week Two = Beam Two and so on) and written in italic. The article concludes with a comment by the
author and an open invitation to readers to comment extensively. The Beams will be posted generally on Monday, but this could vary.
As I stated before on this blog, I have never thought of Brazil as a destination, never thought about getting married, let alone having kids. But I did it all. And more.
At the end of the rainbow, we are given a mission we keep on shaping. And that mission is what will shape us.