May 16, 2017
In a way, this is the only time I felt really free in the last twelve months. Fields of sunflowers giving their back to the sun, in a hot afternoon along the highway that bridges the towns of Piracanjuba and Caldas Novas, in the state of Goiás, center-west Brazil. The inland. A man hiding among hundreds of bright, yellow flowers, each one as big as his head, and in a cheating mood. As if he wanted to be one of them, or making them believe he is. Or simply, he is looking for a shelter, a new place to hide away from the madness that’s closing in on him. Threatening to kill him. Or worse, to make him a prisoner. So the best way to disappear, is camouflage and since he has to pose as something else, why not choosing something beautiful? And here he is, trying to gain the confidence of these new companions. But they are superb and proud and they won’t let him in so easily. So the best way to disappear ends up being fooling them all.
The man who fooled the sunflowers rejoices in his victory. Here he is, at peace at last. Far from the anguish, far from the threats. He is ready to live his new life.
March 1, 2017
After almost a year of struggle, abnegation, resilience and discernment, I started to see the shadows retire. It was a slow, lazy movement, but it was happening. I was trying to recover from the latest personal deception and to get myself together for my new found job. Yes, after twenty years of half fought battles and false defeats, I was going back waiting tables and making coffee.
Because if you stomp your feet too much, you only end up hurting yourself. So be clever; let life school you well. Even if you’re nearing forty. It’s never too late to realize you’ve been a blind man for decades. From the past, we just have to learn; as for the rest, we might as well forget it.
So Perse and I made a pact; we would still live together for seven months, helping each other to build a solid basis for the kids and saving money each for his and her own future. Then she would leave town and go north, where her new partner was waiting for her.
And I would go back to the Land of Gospel. I would return to Brazil, land that I love.
March 27, 2017
It would have been hard, but I would succeed. It would have been long, but it would end. The tough part is always the first day. Or the first week. To me, it was the first month. It turned out I was a bit slow, but my pro-active attitude made up for it. Being the good guy has always kept my scores high. So I got used to the job and I thought I could even like it. Add to that a goal you want to reach at the end of the year with the money you earn and that’s done. My goal was to go back to Brazil and live the life of my dreams.
By the end of March, I could say I was quite satisfied with my new job. In fact, I was feeling something close to happiness. Until one night, I guess it was day 27, I got back home and Perse called me in the kitchen. She closed the door.
“Here we go…” I sighed.
“Something happened today.” she said.
She looked scared.
“What?” I asked.
She took a deep breath and then she started to talk. I listened to every word and twenty minutes later, I was the scared one.
“This isn’t right.” I said.
Perse widened her eyes.
“Don’t you believe me?”
“I do.” I said. “But even so, it doesn’t make sense. I mean, why? And why now?”
Perse laughed and rolled her eyes.
“Does this really matter?” she said. “It’s your life and it’s mine too. I can’t make this happen and nor can you.”
She was right and I knew it.
“Are you sure she really meant it? You know she likes to tattle a lot.” I said.
“But she’s crazy.” Perse said. “More than ever. And-she-meant-it. I never saw her eyes like that. You could see one thing in them.”
I let the silence do the talking.
“Insanity.” Perse said.
Now that was scary.
I pondered a lot for some days and then I took my decision. One afternoon, three weeks later, I was sitting inside of an international airport, waiting to get on board of a Boeing 747, with my heart in deep trouble.
I stayed like that for long hours and when the bubble exploded, Perse let me know it.
What have I done?
This was the question that tortured me for long weeks, pushing me down into a darkness and a whirlwind of hate that I had never experienced before. But the hate was not mine.
Did I love Brazil? Yes, I did. I do. Then why was my heart in such a pain?
My answers I would find in what I had left behind, here in the Land of God. I started searching for the people I had met years before, the ones who had become my brothers and sisters in the heart. And I talked to them. I let it all out and that was long, painful and hard. But above all, it was good.
“You should have talked to me.” my sister told me on the phone. Her voice was calm and a little sad. “She would never do this to you. You are her… her…”
I was not so sure of what I was anymore to anybody.
My return to Brazil happened in dark circumstances. When I got away, I left behind a severe family break, a wound so deep it would take a very big amount of spiritual strength and wisdom to heal. I refuelled that strength, these days and took back the notebooks of my memoir, “The End of the Rainbow”. There lies the secret of my persistence and most of all, the only method to fight and defeat the forces of hate.
May 19, 2017
I look at the sun, at the sky. A sky so wide like you see only in dreams, in beautiful dreams. The clouds, white and large, passing like slow ships above the lonely, sunburnt highway. And the sunflowers. I look at their beauty and I think no more. But know. I know that beauty, pure beauty, a heart-shaped beauty that knows neither lie nor doubt, always wins. The man who fooled the sunflowers has that beauty in him and now he’s going back, to gently claim what’s his.
I am about to start typing notebook 1 of 10 in the Rainbow series, my dear reader. Soon you will see what gave birth to me. The real Me.
And what about you? Are you willing to read the full-length memoir “The End of the Rainbow”?