I’ve been thinking a lot, lately. About me, about you, about what we are and where we are now. We went through a lot in the recent years and sometimes I got lost in the cloud of the daily everafter, which is made of all the things we are sort of compelled to do to get through. Sometimes I liked it, sometimes I didn’t. Most of the times I did it out of abnegation; “I must do this ’cause I’m a man and men do this because they have to prove themselves that…” and so on. I did neglect you back then, even if I tried to reconcile you and my new found family tasks, which envolved fathering and being a husband.
It has been a hard task and for some time I could sort it out. I even got proud of myself when I saw I could make love to my wife, play with the kids and have time for you, too.
But good things are never meant to last, ya know? Especially when bliss and well-being is envolved. So when things got tougher, I had to make decisions and since you could live without me nurturing you, I chose to let you go, with the implicit promise to visit you back some day, somehow. It was sad, believe me. It was hard for me too. But the kids needed me more. My wife needed me more. They could not live without me.
So I struggled through life just as anybody else does. Long term gain is no good for three little kids who are used to eat everyday. Besides, the parents have to eat everyday too. So I got into the daily everafter and bade you goodbye.
Yes, I cried; I know you’d ask.
Then time elapsed. Things changed and then they changed again. We got through a lot, my family and I; we laughed, we cried, we fell into despair without the kids acknowledging (“Don’t let them see we’re in trouble, they don’t deserve this.” my wife said, “They are so young, they don’t have nothing to do with this.”). Agreed. I gave her all my support, all my love and we promised to go through the storms of the daily everafter together. No matter what, no matter who. We succeeded in surviving, but then we realized two things had happened. We had become warriors and had stopped being lovers. And most of all, we were still surviving, but never started living.
“I don’t want this for my life and neither do you.” my wife said.
“I know. You’re right.”
Things happen for a reason and we always talked to each other. That was our pact; honesty, plainness and always show the problem, because that was the only way to solve it. We had sat to talk things out many times and we came to the solution without arguing or shouting as many couples do.
“Shouting for what? First I have to know what’s happening, then I’ll decide if I’m shouting or not. And believe me, I won’t shout either way, but if you lack respect with me just once, then the next second it’s over.”
And it was over. Not for the lack of respect, but for the lack of love. The bliss we had planned so many times had evaporated in the time we were fighting to survive, because in that fight, we found out we made a good brother and a good sister. And that was it.
“You never loved me.” she said. “You loved the strength you saw in me, you saw a fortress in which to shelter yourself during the storm. But I’m not your mother. I already have three kids and I don’t need another. I need a husband. I need a man.”
She had talked to me like that at least half a dozen times in our six long years of domestic partnership, five of which we were married. But I always found an excuse to question that belief she had. I knew I was wrong and I knew she was right. And she knew it too. So it was just a matter of time when I decided I was too tired to keep on punching the air and saw we were tying up each other’s wings.
“If we don’t let ourselves go, we will never be happy. Neither you nor me. And I am tired of being unhappy. I have three kids and I can handle myself, I always had to; that’s the choice I made. But you were never a father, you never married before meeting me and you know you are not made for this. You tried and that’s good, you grew up a lot. But us… there’s no us anymore.”
My eyes were burning. I couldn’t help it.
“I know it’s hard but it’s the right thing to do. The kids will always love you and you’ll have a special place in my heart; you are the most amazing person I have ever known. Our marriage, that is the best day of our life and will always be and nobody’s gonna take it from us.”
Accepting my fate was relieving. It was like a giant stone was lifted from my heart.
“Thank you.” I murmured.
And that’s when I found you again.
“Maybe a wonderful life is waiting for you just around the corner and you never knew it.” my wife said.
Yes, I would have kept the memory of her forever with me.
Slowly I managed myself better in the daily everafter, while you got closer to me again, just like back in the day. Just like in the future.
Welcome back, my dear creative process. My precious soul and honest heart.